i feel drained. and i'd love to say that my lack of energy is due to how busy a mother and wife i am, keeping up on countless tasks and projects, maintaining a clean, organized house. but i can't. when at home, i get lost in this vortex of misused time, ever-growing piles of dust and clothes, and more projects than i can keep track of. and it weighs on me. and i hate that, even though i have this overwhelming desire to be productive and efficient, i can't find the motivation within me most days. i already feel defeated, so it's hard to convince myself to try.
in turn, i feel like a let-down. i never do enough. and yeah, i could just suck it up and get things done and i'd feel so much better. but it's just not that easy for me. sometimes, it feels as if there's literally an internal struggle going on. i'm constantly battling with myself. constantly. i would never wish it upon anyone to have to live inside my head.
thankfully i meet with a sweet counselor who is willing to try to step inside my thoughts and help me unpack them. we work on a weekly basis, examining my thought process, my worries, my stressors, and ways to healthily respond to all the negatives that i face. and to help me realize that there maybe aren't as many negatives as i tend to think there are. she reminds me that "should" is a shameful word in my vocabularly, and that playing out the "what if's" in my mind can actually be helpful. we're figuring out the best way for me to cope with my intense emotions and to let go of the imaginary expectations that i've convinced myself others are holding me to. i'm learning to examine the ways that i have learned to feel guilty unecessarily, and the ways that i set myself up for failure. i'm realizing that i don't have to worry about passing all of my negative tendencies onto my son. that i am a good mother. i'm so thankful that my counselor is partnering with me through all of this. i feel heard and understood.
wow. just by typing all of that, i've gained some perspective. things are going to be okay today, even if i don't get every single thing crossed off of my list. even though i haven't been the most productive around the house this morning, elli and i picked up a few things at the store, and had a sweet lunch date at hy-vee. quality time with my little man is much more important than wiping away dust particles off of our furniture. i'll see what i can get done before nap time is over, but even if he wakes up before i can accomplish a lot, that's okay. then it's time for snacks, playing, and trying out a new sippy cup.
i just may have to put together my latest snack creation for myself:
think happy thoughts. and choose to have a great day.