Saturday, June 9, 2012

overthinking everything.

good grief, i just realized i never finished up that april photo a day thing beyond day 3.
seriously? that's as far as i got?!
i mean, i knew i probably wouldn't stick with it,
but i would have expected it to last a little longer than that!

oh well, such is life.

i'm just about all packed up to head back to the twin cities with elli this weekend. jer can't join in on the fun, because he'll be having fun kicking off our church vacation bible school tomorrow night! he's been busybusy getting everything set up over the past few days. even though i realize that VBS is a huge blessing to all of the little kiddos who participate, it really takes a toll on the hubs. thankfully it's only for one week out of the summer, but i just don't think most people realize the amount of work that gets put into it. if they did, i think there would be more volunteer help offered. and since i'm always sure to find a way to make it a pity-party about myself, it's not that easy to feel like your husband is even more preoccupied and busy with work than usual. i swear, it sometimes feels like we're a barely married couple when we have long stretches of craziness like this.

i miss "us."

oh, summer.

first freezie-pop ever!

i'm SOOOOO thrilled for all of the family time we have planned, but i'm finding that i have a lot of mixed feelings towards you, dear summer.

it don't like sweating. period.

there doesn't seem to be much relief to my husband's busy-ness, even though we're on summer scheduling now for churchy stuff.

bugs. oh, bugs.

it seems to prove more and more difficult to entertain a toddler AND preserve your sanity. sometimes it's just one or the other. plain and simple.

i'm more aware these days of the ebb and flow of friendships.
not that that has anything to do with summer, really.
i think it's normal and expected that friendships go through seasons.
i just don't remember being this aware of it before our move here.

don't misunderstand me.
i have great friendships here that are meaningful,
and i value them deeply.
over the past couple years though, i'm finding myself much more sensitive to the seasons
when i'm not as close to friends, or when i'm feeling more "disconnected" from them.
and i'm having a hard time dealing with this.

mostly because i overthink EVERYTHING.
and i'm insecure.
 and i make everything more dramatic than it is.

shocking, i know.

sometimes i can feel a little lost, though.
my friendships back in minnesota are different than they used to be.
those people aren't a part of my daily life.
and i'm not a daily part of theirs.
so, even though it's fun to reconnect, it's just not quite the same.
and i feel that when i'm with them.

so i have these long-standing friendships, that have evolved over time and distance.
and it hurts my heart that i can't be closer to them.

and then i have these newer friendships here.
i've made close friends of a variety of ages and generations.
and i appreciate and value each and every one.
but it's easy for me to question where i stand with them.
especially if i haven't been able to spend solid time with them in a long while.
or if they're busy developing new friendships with new people,
and i selfishly want to be a part of that.
(if i'm going to be honest.)
but at the same time, i don't want to intrude on that special time for those friends.
because it shouldn't always be about me.

i also could stand to remember that i'm also capable of initiating hanging out with friends.
it would be helpful, too, if i didn't always question or assume
that i'm bothering or inconveniencing them.

i think what i'm really truly longing for are those kinds of constant friendships
where it's as if you're "doing life" together. 
an almost daily support system.
where you're actively involved in each others' lives.

maybe that's not actually a realistic hope, though.
that would require an extra big committment of time and energy,
and everyone is so busy these days.
everyone has their own things going on.

sometimes i go what seems like weeks without touching base with people
or knowing what's actually going on in their lives. and i hate that disconnected feeling.
i hate feeling like every time i see someone, anyone, we have to catch up.
i'd love to see someone and not have to catch up,
because they'd already know what's going on in my life,
and i'd already know what's going on in theirs.

when it starts to feel like i'm no more a part of the daily lives of my friends in the town that i live,
than i am a part of the daily lives of my friends in minnesota,
i can't help but desire something more.

maybe i'm just asking too much.


i don't want to imply that i'm disappointed in the friendships that i currently have.
i realize the limits of our busy daily lives and understand that those limits don't mean that i don't have awesome, solid friends in my life. it's just our currently reality that we are busy and preoccupied. i think what i'm trying to say is that,
because i value and appreciate the people currently in my life,
i wish i could have the opportunity to go deeper with them,
so we could pour into each others' lives even more.

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