reality.

i’m realizing something about myself.
i’m going through a process. a very long process of learning to be okay with myself.
and learning just who i am, and who i want to be.

things aren’t the way i hoped they’d be. but at the same time, i really don’t want things to be different.

i just want to improve.

i want to be kinder. more sure of myself. more patient.
more selfless. more appreciative.

sometimes i just feel a little lost. or a lot.

 

i want to be one of those women who is
confident and sure
of who she is and what her goals are.

i want to be confident of what my purpose is.

i want to be passionate
about what I do on a daily basis.

i recently read a new mom say on her blog that now that
she is taking care of her newborn baby, she knows what her purpose in life is.
she finally found something she’s really good at; being a mom.

man, i feel like i’m failing on an hourly basis.
how nice it must be to feel so confident and sure about yourself
and what you're doing on a daily basis.
i'm not mocking her. i just wish i was in that "place."

i know that i'm a mom, and that's the most important thing i could ever do with my life.
i know i'm a wife, and many other important things to people,
but most of the time i just don't even know what i'm doing.

i don’t know who i want to be. what i want to accomplish. or maybe i should say, how to fully pour myself into these roles that i already am.

i'm not very good at giving myself away.

i’m so caught up in surviving each day, and trying to manage my difficult emotions, i
can’t even fathom living with passion and intentional purpose.

not that each day is all that difficult. really, my life is pretty simple.
i’m home with elli most of the time. occasionally i work a shift at the coffee shop, or help with leading/playing for worship. i have loads of time to be productive. i’m just not most days.

i’m lost in my thoughts and weighed down with my emotions,
and it’s difficult for me to get things done.
(save for those rare moments of motivation to clean and sort and scrub and dust.
to get outside for some fresh air.)

i have trouble being in the moment. i’m constantly looking for what’s next. what’s up ahead.
now doesn’t satisfy me like i wish it would. and i know that’s my own issue.
i need to choose to be satisfied.

i really want improve my attitude. it sucks a lot of the time.

 you guys. this is why i drop off of the face of the earth
every so often.

the thing is, the majority of my days tend to be more down than up. so if i were to blog consistently, i’d either have to just put on a happy face and pretend everything super great, or else i’d sometimes be a big downer and no one would want to read anyway.

i want to be authentic. sometimes i seriously consider blogging on a more regular basis,
and just being really honest about how i’m feeling and what my days are like.
but there’s  a fear in me that i’ll be painting a negative picture of myself,
which in all reality, would probably be more accurate than anything else.

it’s hard to admit the yucky stuff. yeah, i want to put a positive spin on every day, and look for the bright, shiny aspects of my life. i want to take the time each day to document the good things,
to look for positive things i could be noticing and learning.
but i don’t. i just don’t. who blogs about the realities of our daily failures and not so happy  things? who blogs about that?

i’m working on it. some days i'm trying to be better.
but it’s a process. a really long, extremely slow process.

we’ll see. maybe i’ll just publish this and then disappear again for a while.
or maybe things will be different now.